I was walking on my treadmill today as part of my aim to get my body healthy and fit. While walking, I frequently read the bible, listen to Christian music and most commonly I pray, a lot. I was praying about losing the weight I have (I am clinically at an un-healthy weight for my bone structure and height )that has caused some of the health issues I’ve had. Truthfully, I embraced the fact that the stress I’ve dealt with for the better part of 10 years, was causing such hormonal issues I couldn’t lose weight (I did try). When I was placed off work, I decided that the stress needed to go. As part of the process I started to exercise which has helped (as I described before) to start me losing weight and lowering my blood pressure. I have even had to buy a new pair of jeans to wear because all my others literally will shimmy down my hips as I walk (I am not complaining though).
However, I have been feeling quite discouraged at the pace of my weight loss, even though its right on track to a sustainable loss.So, today I started to reflect on what I actually want the end results of my life changes to be, and why. I realised,I want to not have to take the medications to manage my health issues, I want to look great, and I want my husband’s head to turn. Ok, well there is nothing inherently bad in wanting to be healthy and attractive to my husband…is there?
Then I had a conversation with my husband that underscored another belief I have about losing the weight. We were outside talking about challenges of Christian men, women, couples. We were talking about temptation for Christian men and how difficult it is to resist and common it is for men to have opportunities to cheat on their spouses. We started the conversation after hearing the song “Jesse’s Girl” , with the lyric “I wish that I had Jesse’s girl” (not sure the artist, and I really didn’t care to look it up to be honest). I asked my husband ” does that happen a lot? do guys want their friends wives, girlfriends?” . To which he said ” oh yeah! but usually a guys wont go there, but some do, especially when the girl comes to them because they are seeing greener pastures”. I said “really?!, I can’t imagine that ends well for the guy, most men wouldn’t like their buddy wanting their girl”. He said “no , but some guys still cant pass up the opportunity”.
He then said ” I had that happen multiple times when I was younger”. Bear in mind, my husband is 5 years younger than me and was a “partier” in his youth and I was a divorcee with a child when we met, so these thing didn’t happen in my world (He actually became a Christian, and then got sober when we got together, not immediately… but that’s a different story). I had never heard this story before and was curious how often is often? Now, I think my hubby is the most handsome , funny, intelligent, kind and honest man I have met…now. So, when I hear that women were wanting him when he was not so wonderful, I get highly curious as to the outcome. I said “How often did that happen? you and your friends were around each other ALL THE TIME”.He said ” well, it was not uncommon, I always said no, because my friendship was more important than that.”. Good answer, I thought. Then he said to me ” Stuff like that still happens, I had 3 women hit on me when I worked at…blah, blah, blah …when you were in University (I went back to school to become an RN).
What?!!!! “You never told me that!” I said. He replied “Of course not! you were in school and stressed, I wasn’t going to tell you that! and it never came to mind since, I said no to them!”. ” Ok, so what? , they asked you out? and you said no I am married and that was it?” I said. He replied ” Uh, no , they were much more direct, like as direct as you can be. I said I am married , and they said “so, I don’t care” and I said ,”well I do”. For the record I never doubted he would say no, BUT boy did it make me insecure to hear that three women propositioned my husband while he was working. (By the way, he was right not to tell me then, I was still very early in my return to Christianity, and my first reaction NOW was to go seek them out and have a “chat”, so back then I probably would have been in the car before he could say anything (not saying it is a Christian way to be or right, just being honest).
What surprised me, was just how insecure I felt about this having happened. Apparently one was much younger than him which made me more insecure. I know little old ladies love him, he has red hair and that seems to drive them wild, LOL. Its true, seen it with my own eyes (he jokes that it will be easy to find someone to cook for him if I pass first, because there is always a little old lady that loves to cook who would love a handsome red-head around) he’s sadly, not wrong. But I digress… So it was this that I reflecting on today. Why does it bother me. I mean really, it was years ago, he said no, I trust him, and he chose me (in fact he asked me out, even after learning I had a child and was 5 years older) so what on earth is the issue? I shouldn’t even care. But, I do.
There in lies the question, why do I care. Well, the truth is I have low self esteem. I have had rejection, betrayal, and criticism my whole life. Although, now I believe I should work to be as Christ like as possible, and not care what people think about it, and just do what God wants me to do, I still have low self esteem. Doesn’t seem to make sense does it? So I decided to try find out what God says I am and how he thinks of me. Maybe by doing that I can start getting back my self esteem. So I found out first that I am made in his image Genesis 1:26-27. He made me for a purpose Roman 8:29, Ephesians 2:10. He knew me before I was formed in the womb Jeremiah 1:5. He chose me John 15:16. As a woman I am made specifically as a companion and help mate for my Adam Genesis 2:18.
I believe that from reading these verses (there are a lot more), I can with certainty know that I am special in Gods eyes, I am not a fluke or a mistake. He chose me, I was on purpose. The things that are “wrong” are part of what makes me who I am and since God made me for a purpose, then these things must be for a purpose too. Whether I get healed from certain things and can speak into others lives with my earned authority in that area, or if it is something that just spurs me in a direction, then that is all part of how he makes everything turn out for my good. I need to embrace certain aspects of my character that I have long been told are an issue, such as my Attention Deficit Disorder, or being a highly sensitive person, or being an introvert, or my bluntness, honesty, black and white view of certain areas of life, or my stubbornness, and lack of wanting to fit in. These parts of me are aspects of me for a reason. Do I understand why yet? No. Are some the outcome of sin (mine or others)?, yes. Will it all work toward my good? eventually.
All these things I have been told at one point or another are not ok. Along with the many critical statements about my physical appearance. Which again, God made me the way he wanted me to be and since he has made every beautiful thing anyone has ever known, then what I look like is how he wants me to look and it is beautiful to him. Yes I am to try and take care of myself by exercise and eating right but at the end of the day, if I am doing my part and never get into the shape I think I should be, that’s his decision. He will decide what the end result will be. I need to start trying to really see myself as he sees me and rest on the fact that he chose to make me, and he has plans for me that are good. I am going to try to stop being critical and insecure about who I am. I know this will be a long process, but I want to be secure in who I am, not insecure. So I will be praying for the Lord to let me see myself as he does, and to see what great things he has made me for.
I am wonderfully made by the ultimate artist, Michelangelo eat your heart out.